Well, this was never going to be how part of my blog panned out, but today has been epically one of the shittiest days I’ve had in a while!! Last week I was finally diagnosed with peri-menopause. When I say finally, that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it, in fact I’m royally pissed off about it. I was not prepared to enter this phase of my life yet. I certainly don’t feel like a woman who should be in the menopausal phase of my life! After all, I only had our son at the age of 42 and we didn’t get married until I was 44. To say I am a late bloomer would be an understatement!! So as far as I’m concerned, menopause can go eat a hot bowl of dicks!!
The hot flushes are bad enough, but this last week has been a roller coaster of emotions, and I was not prepared. Adding all these emotions to my already sometimes crippling anxiety and depression has not bode well for a fun week. Yet, though I consider myself to be pretty in tune with my moods and when I’m not feeling myself, this definitely all crept up on me today. Before I knew it, I was a blubbering mess and watching a deeply emotional movie on top of that. Well let’s just say that was a bad idea!
All I can say is, thank god for those integral friends in my life who I can call on in the middle of the day. When I first start talking, I cannot articulate myself at all, but they just sit on the other end of the phone and let me waffle on, trying to make sense of all this built up emotion. Without them in my life, I without a doubt believe I’d be back down for another visit to the Psych hospital, stuck with a bunch of complete strangers and talking to doctors, nurses and other health professionals trying their best to getting me back on the straight and narrow. And don’t get me wrong, each time I’ve done this I have felt better for it. But, at times all I feel I need to do, is go to the beach, scream until my throat is aching, and cry until I have no more tears left. Sometimes, this feels like the best therapy in the world for me.
So, I rang my mother today, and I told her that I’d been diagnosed with Peri Menopause. Of course her reaction is the same as anytime I try and talk to her about something I’m feeling a certain way about. She turns it into something about her, and how bad things were for her during that time. Mind you she didn’t go through Menopause at at the same time as me, she had a hysterectomy when she was 30! And yes, she had the same symptoms as anyone who would be going through menopause, it’s known as surgical menopause, but she chose to do nothing about it. Oh wait, she did do something about it, she was a complete asshole when she was going through these symptoms, but apparently they didn’t hit until she was 40. She refused to seek the proper medical help and take on some hormone replacement therapy when she had her hysterectomy. She has always been one of those people who thinks nothing is wrong with her and everyone else is the problem.
So once again, I felt the disappointment of not having a mother I could confide in, she just clarifies more and more every time how she really doesn’t have a maternal bone in her body, that everything will always be about her. So as you can imagine, that response from her definitely escalated any feelings I was already having about the situation. Sometimes, I just want to get her, grab her by the shoulders and scream at her about all the shitty things she has done. But I guarantee it would fall on deaf ears.